'Tis the season to be jolly.

I am pleased to hear about the strike. Not only because it’s a day off, but I’m pleased so many people are taking it on. I can use the strike day to get my reports written. They say it will be the biggest strike in history and YES! This time we will win!

It’s yet another ‘busy time of the year’ for teachers; as is every time of the year, apart from the 6 week holiday. It is the season of ‘copy and paste’ and ‘find and replace’. These days parents seem happy with their kids’ school reports. There’s a reason for this, they haven’t read between the lines. At the end of the day, the kids will probably keep their report forever. It is best to do a good job but report writing can be a long and tedious task!

Here’s some tips (and if you have some more please let me know):

·         Check your school policy before writing them.

·         Check with your manager after writing the first couple of reports.

·         Ensure you know how to use copy and paste, find and replace (but remember the purpose of a school report, if they’re all the same, there’s no point writing them and it’s just yet another purposeless task.)

·         There’s no point being nasty, you will only wind yourself up and get told to rewrite them. If the little sod has irritated you all year, remember you are getting rid of them soon.

·         Overdo the praise on well behaved, high ability children – they will tell the other parents in the playground and next year’s parents will want their child to have a report like that- kinda makes you feel good too.

·         Try and say things about the child which will make them better rather than just moaning about them – pointless and again, you can wind yourself up.

·         Think what you really want to say about that child and check the statements below to find a nice way of wording it:

What you want to say:	How to say it:
He is a lazy sod who can’t be arsed with anything.	Sometimes he lacks interest.
He’s a lying little bastard.	He shows creativity and imagination.
...School bully who I always have to bullock.	…has participated in discussions about developing effective and satisfying relationships with peers.
Naughty little shit who’s been driving me mad all year.	…is easily distracted.
*NAME* is a lazy fucker.	*NAME* is occasionally reluctant to participate.
*NAME* is thick.	*NAME* still needs much adult support with practical work.
...can’t write.	...uses drawings to record information.
We’ve taught it but they haven’t learnt it.	...has experienced.
...is simple.	...is able to make simple predictions. ...is able to read simple texts. ...is able to do simple calculations. (emphasis on the simple)
...is tone deaf.	…has difficulty in responding to pitch and rhythm in musical compositions.
...is still pretty crap at...	…is improving…
...the lights are on but nobody’s home.	…is able to switch on the computer. (and that is actually all they are able to do)
...has no mates.	…prefers to work alone.
...keeps bloody swearing.	… understands and reads simple signs and symbols.
Teacher’s pet.	...is an able and enthusiastic member of the group who takes a keen interest in school and appears to enjoy all aspects of the work.

I know these statements sounds bad and negative towards the poor innocent sods but I’m just joking around and negativity is somewhat humorous. It’s a way to make writing 30 reports more interesting and light hearted. I treasure my own school reports which described me as, ‘a high spirited child of a dramatic nature.’ Unfortunately my mum was a teacher and knew that I’d been naughty and had tantrums. Reports can be so much fun!

xxx